Dr. Manhattan’s Wang and Other Superdongs We Love!

Photo Credit: Comic Vine

Many conservative Watchmen critics are nuts over Dr Manhattan’s big blue weenie. As Anthony Lane of the New Yorker describes the character, “buff, buck naked, and blue, like a porn star left overnight in a meat locker.”  [The New Yorker]

We were excited by his giant blue member, and want to join that club. Here’s a look at some of our favorite superdongs:

It’s hard to tell exactly what is Hulking around in those jeans but it looks like it would make most boys green with envy.

Photo Credit: Ripten

You know Captain America has got to be hung. The artist tried to distract you with weapons but there’s only one weapon we want punishing us.

Photo Credit: GalaxyKid

Old school Batman and Robin wear their briefs like 90-year-old French men, gappy and girl boner-killing. Also, what’s with Robin’s mangina?

Photo Credit: Bat-Blog

Thor has the most fantastic thighs and arms…But, was his powerpole scooped out? 

Photo Credit: Comicbookmovie

Aw, dear Christopher Reeves, you were so hot. This is exactly how we’ll remember you. If only we had x-ray vision…

Photo Credit: Idea Champions

Wolverine was entirely naked circa Weapon X. I don’t know what jerk prude made him put pants on, but I’m writing a strongly worded letter. His rod is so rad that it’s a metallic box with buttons!

Photo Credit: Science Blogs

The Fantastic Four have some surprisingly fantastic bulges (no offense Jessica), but the Thing’s Thing is The Thing!

Photo Credit: MyBlueRay

Spider-Man is like a neutered man-child who dry humps Mary Jane and then tells her to not get involved. Since there’s no visi-crotch on this one, we think we figured out why.

Photo Credit: People

By the Numbers

$83.2 million= The Watchmen’s overall worldwide gross at the box office in its debut weekend [MTV]

WordUp

Cod Piece= is a flap or pouch that attaches to the front of the crotch of men’s trousers to provide a covering for the genitals. It was an important item of European clothing in the 15th and 16th centuries.

From Strip Clubs To Hotel Beds: The Lay Of Sex Laws

You can take our dignity but not our porn.

New York’s Governor Paterson is pitching new taxes to help the state’s $14 billion budget deficit. Among them: a $10 tax for strip club patrons and tax on Internet downloads for web porn. Similarly, Texas pols want to place a $5 “pole tax” which was struck down as unconstitutional by a state judge. [New York Post] Oh yeah, the forgotten “right to bare boobs.”

Most of these skin taxes have stalled because of conflicts with the First Amendment. No porno, no peace!

Here are other laws striving to cash in on sex:

• Florida is considering raising taxes on adult magazines, strip clubs, and “other sex-themed products.”  [MSNBC] That’s probably for the best since old people are all over-sexed anyways. 

• Washington state has already endorsed a tax hike on adult movies and other sex-themed products. Still, they want higher sales tax on flesh mags, pornographic photographs, movies, cable and telephone services, audiotapes, computer programs and paraphernalia. [Seattle Times] I don’t like that they’re taxing my best friend vibrators…but I guess our boyfriends can’t afford porn anymore so maybe it will even out?

• Santa Rosa, CA lawmakers are in discussion over tax increases including a hotel bed tax from 9 to 12%, which would generate about $1.2 million. [Press Democrat] Hotel bed sex is the best kind; it’s like Russian roulette with germy body fluid!

• Legislators passed a 3% hotel bed tax increase in Las Vegas which projections show will raise about $230 million. [Las Vegas Sun] These numbers illustrate how many more hotels there are in Vegas than Santa Rosa…You know, Vegas. Where prostitution is legal. Good one.

 

Photo Credit: [SI.com]

WordUp

Skin tax= tax put on products or services related to the sex industry

By the Numbers

230 million= Dollar amount of revenue expected from Las Vegas’ hotel bed tax increase of 3%

Forbes’ Billionaires List: They’re A Lot Less Richer Than Last Year

It’s official—the world is coming to an end. Forbes just released their Billionaires List and it turns out there are 332 fewer of them now than a year ago. And poor billzies: their average net worth is down 23%. [Forbes]

Let’s wallow in the schadenfreude and see who lost big.

Anil Ambani: Head of the Reliance group, this guy obvs relied on bad advice. Last year’s biggest billions gainer, he’s now this year’s biggest loser. Laterz, $32 billion smackers.

Lakshmi Mittal: The Steel magnate has gone soft, losing almost $26 billion. Steel prices are down 75% since last summer, so he’s left with a mere $19 billion and joining the artisanal bread line.

Warren Buffett: The financial wiz who looks like your grandpa lost $25 billion this year. He dropped from the top slot to number 2, with $37 billion.

Carlos Slim Helú: Latin America’s richest dude lost $25 billion, making it an un-bueno year. Fortunately he’s got a $35 billion cushion to rest on.

K.P. Singh: This former army guy and current real estate mogul’s house is on fire with a $25 billion loss. He only has $5 billion left. How the hell is he supposed to live off that?

THE BIG Q: DID ANYONE MAKE BANK THIS YEAR?

Somehow we’re not surprised that…Oprah’s richer! Our lady love jumped from 462nd to 234th place with her estimated net rising from $2.5 to $2.7 billion. 

 

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Word Up: schadenfreude: wallowing in other’s misery, especially when they’re billionaires

By the numbers: $32 billion smackers: How much the biggest loser parted with

Image via business week.

Thursday’s Chrianna Report: Ri’s B-Day, Tyra, Diddy and More!

So much Chrianna, so little time. The duo dodges events, celebrates milestones, and… records a love song? Meanwhile, daytime talk show hosts weigh in as Brown’s cougar denies texting him…

• Twitter This: Nickelodeon, Dissed! Eff you, Twittermoms and your online petition.[EMBED LINK TO SCAN]  Nickelodeon stood by Chris “Bruiser” Brown’s nomination for “Best Male Artist” in the Kids Choice Awards. Still, CBro and RiRi dropped  statements that they would not appear at the event. [Radar Online] 
• RiRi’s 21 Bash: Cupcakes At Coco! Rihanna rocked a belated 21 early Wednesday morning at L.A’s discreet nightclub Coco de Ville. Candles topped pink cupcakes and champagne flowed. The best present, we think? No Brown in sight. [E!] 
• Cougar Denies Clawing Chris: Tina Davis, Brown’s manager and the lusty lady rumored to have sent her client a text that led to fisticuffs, said, “I’m his manager—not his booty call!”[New York Daily News]
• Oprah, Ellen and Tyra Weigh In Ellen DeGeneres gave Diddy a tongue lashing for reuniting Crihanna in his Miami home; Oprah hosts a special on domestic violence special today; Tyra guests on O’s episode and devotes her own show to the topic too.[Philadelphia Inquirer] 
• Duet To Me One More Time: Producer Polow da Don has been ID’ed as the beatsmith/songwriter for Chrianna’s upcoming duet love song on Brown’s new album. A source says the song is about — eyeroll — “trials and tribulations, the way love is complicated and blind.” [LA Times]

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Photo Credit: US Magazine

Obama Launches a New Women’s Issues Panel; We Collect His Quotes On His Fave Females

Yesterday, President Obama celebrated Women’s History Month by creating a special panel to focus on women’s issues. The council will seek new opportunities in the workforce, since women still earn only 78 cents for every dollar a man makes. This makes Obama mad, since he loves the ladies…

No, like, he really, really does. Which is more than kind of hot.

Here’s a collection of his most toe-curling musings on the women in his life, from 2005-Present:

Obama on his mom:
“She was the kindest, most generous spirit I have ever known…what is best in me I owe to her.”

Obama on Michelle:
“Sometimes, when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me…Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it’s important that a partner continues to surprise.”

Obama’s advice to his daughters:
“I hope both of you will take up [the] work righting the wrongs that you see and working to give others the chances you’ve had…Because it is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential.”

Obama on signing the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act:
“I sign this bill for my daughters, and all those who will come after us, because I want them to grow up in a nation that values their contributions, where there are no limits to their dreams and they have opportunities their mothers and grandmothers never could have imagined.”

Obama on His First Kiss With Michelle:
“I asked her if I could kiss her. It tasted of chocolate.”

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By The Numbers:

78 – cents a woman earns for every dollar a man makes

Word Up: Lily Ledbetter – retired Goodyear Tire employee whose suit seeking equal pay for equal work was rejected by the Supreme Court in 2007; the first bill signed by President Obama was the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

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Photo Credit: abcnews.com

Lil Boys Hot for (Pedo) Teachers: A Dishonor Roll Of Famous Offenders

Ah, spring, when young love is in the air.

Valynn Bowers, 39, and Linda Nef, 46, were arrested  last week for (separately) having sex with their 13-year-old student. The Utah Bountiful Junior High teachers face charges of rape and forcible sodomy. [KSL] Bountiful is right: a bounty of nutso pedophile teachers!

The laws and punishments for statutory rape, non-forcible sexual intercourse with a person under the age of consent, vary greatly from state-to-state.

The following four female teachers dared to cross the booty boundary and slap skins with some tender, young vittles:

• Lisa Lavoi The Massachusetts teacher was arrested in late February for charges of statutory rape and possibly kidnapping after she and her 15-year-old male student ran away to a West Virginia motel. [Mass Live] It was doomed from the start. Like, who runs away to West Virginia?

• Erica Umosella In 2007, the 28-year-old PE teacher and field hockey coach was charged with sexual assault for her relationship with a 17-year-old female student. [ABC News] OMG. Everything you’ve heard about field hockey is true!

• Gina Salamino The 37-year-old Queens elementary school teacher was fired for bedding a 17-year-old male model in 2006. This year, she is suing to win her job back since her boytoy was not exactly in high school but modeling full-time. The couple is still together and have a child. [Daily News] Dude. I would totally risk my job to do it to that hunk too. I’d risk your job even.

• Mary Kay Letourneau In 1997, the OG of female pedo-teachers seduced then 13-year-old Vili Fualaau and spent seven years in prison for second-degree rape of a child. They’ve been happily married for four years and have two daughters. [People] These two are cool because they still love each other even though he got way fugly by the time he was legal.

• Pamela Smart The highly publicized 1990 case put New Hampshire’s Pamela Smart in jail for life, and her 15-year-old boy lover Billy Flynn as well his three friends that assisted in the murder of Pamela’s husband, behind bars from 13 to 28 years. Pamela has sought every chance to appeal, claiming innocence. In prison, she has earned two masters degrees, tutored other inmates, fought for inmate rights, and leaked sexy pictures to the National Enquirer. [Tru TV] This especially sucked for the three friends who didn’t get teacher tail and probably went to jail virgins.
  

WordUp:

Statutory Rape=

By the Numbers:

14-18= the range of legal age of consent in the United States which varies from state to state, with over half the states adopting the age of “16” as the legal age of consent

Breakin’: Bristol Palin Strips Off Levi. He Was Bad Genes.

Bristol Palin and her baby-daddy Levi Johnston are splitsville, according to Star. Levi’s sister told the tabloid that Bristol won’t let him near the 10-week-old baby because she “doesn’t want him around ‘white trash.’” Instead the baby will chill with the Palins, because moose hunting is so much classier.

Ok, that’s it, my faith in true love is totally shattered. There’s a lesson here, kids: tattoo engagement rings are never a good idea. Oh, and use protection. 

 

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Photo Credit: AP via E! Online

Gallup Smiles On America’s “Happiest” States; We Dig Up The Dirt On Them.

According to a Gallup poll released yesterday, Utah is the happiest state in the union, with its bounty of outdoor spaces in which to hike, swim, and have  polygamous sex play sports.

The survey asked 42 questions including: Do you feel safe walking alone at night? Did you eat healthy all day yesterday? As for me, I’m happiest walking home alone after guzzling a martini and cheese fries.

Envy the happy all you want. Because as we all know, joy is a lie. After the jump, learn a dark secret behind each of the three “happiest” states…

1. Utah

Hildale, Utah is the home of the polygamous Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and focus of a major welfare fraud investigation. As the Attorney General’s office recently said, dads in Hildale “need to figure out a way to support three wives and 15 children.” By gaming the welfare system.

2.  Hawaii

The Aloha State has three active volcanoes. In addition to being at risk of being shot up to the sky by a giant geyser of lava,  people who live downwind from the very-active Kilauea volcano are breathing high amounts of sulfur dioxide. Yum.

3. Wyoming

Sure, the skiing is great, just don’t die on the slopes: this winter has seen an unusually high number of killer avalanches in the state. Last week a mile-long snow shelf crushed three snowmobilers. Eek.

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By the numbers: 42 – number of questions on Gallup’s “happiness” survey

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Photo Credits:
Utah -nytimes.com

Hawaii – earthquake.usgs.gov

Wyoming – Wyoming K-9 Search and Rescue (wyomingk9sar.org)

Earmarks 101: Obama Sez No To Fu*k’d Up Gov’t Spending!

Sure, we’re broke in this hellacious recession. But gee…at least a Cali county has a $50K tattoo removal program and an Alaskan town of 50 peeps scored a $398 million bridge!

Puking up stale generic bread at the misuse of your tax dollars? Welcome to the earmark scandal, in which politicians pander by giving loot to lame projects.

Obama said today it must end. He passed a spending bill with 8,500 earmarks in it, but insists from now on, earmarks must have a legitimate purpose and be open to scrutiny at public hearings. 

What exactly does that mean?

• Define this beyatch. An “earmark” dolls out cash for projects on a national or state level. Also also known as “pork,” they are currently given without merit or competition. Pols (ahem, Congress) pork their districts to vye for votes. 
• Are they Satan’s spendings? No. As Obama said today, “Done right, earmarks have given legislators the opportunity to direct federal money to worthy projects that benefit people in their districts.” 
• So, like, how? Here’s a start: earmarks can no longer be proposed anonymously. And lobbyists can no longer give politicians gifts or take them out for free lunch. 

So eff you, jerkbags. Spend our money on things that help the many, not the few. 

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WordUp

pork = money given to a Congressional district or state by a representative to ensure political support

By the Numbers: 16000: number of earmarks in one year under Bush

Image credit: Broadway World

Coolio Busted For Crack And Other Addled A-Listers.

Sure, rappers like to rock, and apparently they like to smoke it too.

Cops found cocaine in Coolio’s luggage at LAX last week. Now he’s been charged with felony cocaine possession and two misdemeanors for grabbing the airport screener and possession of a smoking device. (That means crack pipe.) If convicted on April 3rd, he could face up to three years in state prison. [TMZ] Is jail a gangster’s paradise?

 Here’s are some other celebrity crack jobs:

• Amy Winehouse She always manages to get her druggie disasters on film, i.e. smoking crack after snorting ecstasy, cocaine and popping Valiums, etc. [The Sun] It’s like an episode of Intervention. Without the intervention part.

• Whitney Houston Whitney and Bobby, the coke-crossed lovers. Bobby insists that Whitney introduced him to cocaine [The Derrrty Truth], Whitney tells Diane Sawyer she’s too rich for crack, and “crack is whack.” [The Scandalist] A few years later, photos of her crack covered bathroom appear. [Gawker] Apparently, Whitney is whack.

• Oprah Winfrey Admitted on her show that she used crack when she was in her 20′s. [Jet] So that’s The Secret to media moguldom?

• Tatum O’Neal She was arrested for buying crack last year and told cops that it was “for a role.” She alsohad a crack pipe on her. [She Knows the Buzz] The woman won an Oscar when she was 10, you’d think she’d improvise better than that.

• Robert Downey Jr. The Iron Man was charged with a D.U.I. and possession of heroin, crack cocaine, and an unloaded .357 Magnum. He was apparently super fun when he was addicted drugs, like this time he broke into his neighbor’s house and passed out in their bed with his pants off. [Entertainment Weekly] I should give him my address…
  

THE BIG QUESTION: WHY IS CRACK SO ADDICTIVE?

Crack is a chemically purified, very potent cocaine in pellet form that is highly addictive. Cocaine keeps dopamine (a molecule related to pleasure) from being absorbed by nerve cells so the high builds up into a feeling of euphoria. The more you do, the less it works, so addicts do the drug more often.  [Cocaineaddiction.com] 

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Photo Credit: New Era Hip Hop

WordUp:

Dopamine=Dopamine is a small molecule through which cells of the brain (neurons) communicate with each other. It is involved in sexual desire and the sensation of pleasure.

By the Numbers:

8.5 million= number of Americans who reported having used crack in a 2006 National Survey on Drug Use and Health [Drug War Facts]