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Jason Dumps Melissa: We Chart The Lifespan of A “Bachelor” Relationship

March 4, 2009

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Last night’s season finale of The Bachelor was same old, same old. Former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Melissa squealed as hot pappa Jason slipped a ring on her finger. The episode ended with the two of them jumping in a pool for a smoochfest.

Then, two seconds later, came the “After the Final Rose” special. And a teary eyed Jason proceeded to dump Melissa because “the chemistry had changed” and he was totes hung up on Molly, the girl he’d sent packing.

Shocker? Sure. But The Bachelor hardly has a track record for couples staying together for longer than their 15 minutes of fame. Below, exactly how long Bachelor couples have stuck it out. Any woman thinking of responding to their next casting call, beware.

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Chris Brown and Rihanna Reunited? 50, Jay-Z, and T.I. Weigh In on the Scandal

March 3, 2009

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Unless investigators decide they need more time, Chris Brown’ll be heading to court on Thursday. So where is he now? In Miami, Beach, jet skiing. We’re pretty disturbed that People and ABC News are reporting that Rihanna is with him—that the two are back together and kickin it at P. Diddy’s Star Island mansion. WTF?

Just as disturbing—some of the things hip hop mega-stars have had to say about the whole situation. Below, things that make us go hmmm:

Creepzor: 50 Cent You’ll recall he was accused of trying to burn his wife and kids last year.

It’s past what would happen in a traditional dysfunctional relationship, just a little more. She was beaten past someone hitting a person out of anger that they couldn’t control at the moment. It’s like a man fighting another man versus fighting a woman…It was more than I could do.

Loyal Homie: T.I. The Atlanta rapper who crooned “Live Your Life” with Rihanna has gone as far as to say that he hopes the couple gets back together. 

I’ve been blessed and fortunate enough to spend time around them. Chris, he’s a great guy…It’s not my business, but I know through all adversity comes strength and everyone goes through things for a reason.

Rumored Ex: Jay Z Maybe they dated. They’ll deny it til the end. But when he first heard about what went down the night before the Grammies, Jay Z supposedly told his friend,

Chris is a walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew.

Desperate Housewives Liplock…Hatcher and Longoria! More Lezzie Publicity Stunts.

March 2, 2009

What do you do when your show’s ratings are slipping/your career is tanking? Duh. You go lesbo for five minutes.

Desperate Housewives, deep in its 5th season slump, is hoping a little girl-on-girl smooch will reel in ratings. Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria Parker swap spit in an upcoming episode—possibly even Sunday’s. 

“I’m a great kisser,” Eva Longoria Parker told Us Magazine. “She was not supposed to kiss back, so [Hatcher] was kind of just there, and I had to do all the work.”

Progressive social commentary or skanky publicity stunt? No brainer. Below, a slideshow of our favorite desperate lesbian moments:

 

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Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan had a bad rep and was a total tabloid punching bag. Then last September, she confirmed that she was dating DJ Samantha Ronson. The media is obsessed with the couple—even dubbing them “Rohan.” Only time will tell if it saves her career.

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Katy Perry. As a gospel singer she got nowhere. Then she wrote a Sapphic sex jam inspired by Scarlett Johannson, that goes, “I kissed a girl and I liked it.” Now she’s a superstar. Where’s the gospel remix?

 

Madonna. The Material Girl’s career sucked in 2003—American Life was her lowest selling album. Then, she befriended Britney and smooched her during the MTV Video Music Awards. Madonna’s next tour—a smash hit.

 

Friends. In 2001, Jennifer Aniston smooched guest star Winona Ryder, a long-lost sorority friend in the episode. Convenient: this stunt went down during sweeps week. 

 

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Buffy the Vampire SlayerChicks always dug the show. But after Willow and Tara got together for the first lesbian sex scene on television in 2000, guys liked it, too.

 

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Anne Heche. When Heche started dating Ellen DeGeneres back in 1997, she quickly became a household name rather than just “some actress.” Once they broke up, she went right back to dudes. And hm. Funny how she’s fallen off the radar.

George W. Charges $150K Per Speech: How His Fee Stacks Up to Other White House Alums

March 2, 2009

George W. Bush ain’t so good with words (um, “Is our children learning?), but he announced today that he’s hitting the lecture circuit in March and will be banking $150,000 per gig. Sure it’s way more than the average American makes in 365 days, but is it just us or does that sound kind of bargain basement for a former president?

This got us thinking—what do other politicos make when they step up to the podium? The answers are below. Hint: George W. makes more than his daddy, but peanuts compared to Slick Willy. 

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Citibank Government Takeover! Sort of! What?

February 27, 2009

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Citibank just banked more gov’t fundage. Uncle Sam now has a whopping 36% stake in the flailing financial institution. 

Is this a sign that we’re on our way to nationalized banks? What the F does that even mean?

Below, the basics:

1. Nationalization = government run banks. Some say yay: banks gone wild got us into this economic mess. Others (cough, GOP) say nay: this is a first step towards communism.

2. It’s not unheard of. The gov’t already foots the bill for the Postal Service, Amtrak and the Transportation Security Administration. 

3. George W. Bush started it. The September takeover of mega-mortgage behomoths Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae was technically nationalizing them. So like, who’s a Commie now?

4. Nationalization doesn’t have to be foreva. In 1992, Sweden nationalized their busted banks, got everything in order, then resold the banks to private buyers—all within a few years.

WordUp

Stress Tests = The computer-run evaluations of 20 major banks that Obama and his crew are doing this week

By the Numbers

20 = the number of banks being “stress tested” this week

Scientists Sniff Out the Happiness Gene

February 27, 2009

happy-peopleScientists at the University of Essex have discovered why some peeps are total Debbie Downers while others are all, “The glass is half full! Woo!” They’ve pinpointed a gene called 5-HTTLPR (um, let’s forget that looks like “HITLER”) that effects your serotonin levels. If you have the short version of it, you’re way more likely to be depressed and listen to The Cure.  If you have the long version, you tend towards kittens and rainbows.

Now, can they just make some drug to stretch that sucker out?

WordUp

5-HTTLPR = a gene scientists have recently linked to happiness

First Dog Due in April: Portuguese Water Dog Named Moose?

February 25, 2009

portuguese_water_dogIt’s a White House role as hard to cast as Commerce Secretary, but the Obamas have finally picked a presidential pup breed. Make way for the Portuguese Water Dog, preferably rescued, so if you know any in trouble, or just with jerk owners, speak up, mkay?

Michelle told People  the First Name of the First Dog is still up in the air. “Oh, the names are really bad” she says. “Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another. I said, ‘No, come on, let’s work with the names a little bit.'”

We like “Moose” because it kind of sounds like a jab at Sarah Palin. But ha. They could just get a pitbull. And put it in a skirt. Or a pig. And put lipstick on it.

Obama’s Speech on the Economy: Cue “The Sun Will Come Out, Tomorrow.”

February 25, 2009

Last night, President Obama stepped up before Congress with his take on how to nip this lame economy situation in the bud.

In case you missed it, we made a condensed version:

[NOTE to LA/JAW: we didn’t buy this AP photo, but we know we have the AP account for when we go live.]

Obama Speech

 

Head here to check out the full speech.

The New York Times is loving on what Obama had to say. 

The Washington Post jabbed him for taking on way too many things (health care, energy, education, the deficit, the cure for cancer).

RIP, Socks. The Clintons’ Cat Dies.

February 23, 2009

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Socks, the black-and-white cat often photographed on Bill Clinton’s shoulder when he was President, died on Friday. After a battle with cancer of the jaw, she was put to sleep at age 19.

She is survived by Chelsea, Hillary, and Bill.

She was a good cat.

Botox and Vacuums: A Sneak Peek Inside This Year’s Oscar Gift Bags

February 20, 2009

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Maybe you’re wondering if the Academy is going to give Best Picture to Brad Pitt’s “I’m-old-n-fugly” snooze-fest “Benjamin Button.” But what you’re really dying to know is what’s inside those Oscar gift bags. A few years back, celebs pocketed an estimated $100K in Oscar night freebies. But this year, with the recession in full force, the gift bags are looking much more practical than bling. 

 

We asked Distinctive Assets—a company making gift packages for nominees—what’s is in their bags. Below, some highlights:

  • A Hoover Platinum Collection Vacuum, $399.99. Nothing screams beauty and glamour like a clean carpet.
  • Booty Pop Panties, $35. Because personal trainers, plastic surgeries and pilates classes aren’t enough to bake them tight buns we aspire to. 
  • A Sears Home Energy Audit, $550. Eco-chic. Paint that red carpet green!
  • A Ten-Day Trip to the Galapagos Islands from Lindblad Expeditions, $10,980. Um, wow. Turtles are amazing! 
  • A can of Altoids, $1.29. Even Kate Winslet wants curiously fresh breath.

 

Madison and Mulholland and GBK Productions are two companies also slappin’ together swag for nominees. They’re a little more hush hush on the deets, but we did peek some of their top picks.

  • A year’s worth of Botox, $3,000. Now maybe some celebs might fess up to actually getting it.
  • A toothbrush sanitizing contraption, $30. We don’t need to know where they’re sticking those things. 
  • A vacation to a destination spa, $10,000. Since celebs never get to go anywhere cool and exotic to be pampered.
  • Senseo coffee. Don’t they have underlings to get them Starbucks?