Archive for February, 2009

Women + Wine = Cancer? Enough with the Booze Studies!

February 27, 2009

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Oh my glug! Cancer researchers in the UK say that drinking a glass of wine everyday increases a woman’s chance of developing cancer. Heinous! Except, wait a sec, isn’t a glass of wine supposed to be good for you?

Each week, a new study touts the health woos and boos of drinking wine. And funny. It always seems to contradict the study from the week before. Confused? Us too. Grab a jug of Malbec and toast to the mess of scientific wine lore below.

Drink up!

Abstain!

The Alternative? 

  • Grape juice has been shown to have some of the same health benefits as red wine.  So, er, grab that case of Welche’s and see how popular you are at the next party. 

Creature Featured: Indonesian Psychedelica FROWNIE Fish A New Species!

February 27, 2009

psychedelica_fish_jpg

What pouts and goes bouncy and is swirly striped all over? The cutest frownie fish ever! A new species of fish was discovered off Ambon island in Indonesia in 2008. Its name just happens to be Psychedelica. Duuuuude, can we liiiike, get this lil guy a, um. A, um. Riiiiight. A Dead album to listen to?

The Simpsons Renewed for Two More Years? Have A Cow, Man!

February 27, 2009

Fox may have its “D’oh” moments (hello, canceling Arrested Development? The Family Guy?) but not this time. They just inked a sweet deal for two more years of The Simpsons. The show is now the longest running prime-time series (22 years in 2011) in TV history. Ay, caramba.

Check out how far America’s favorite family (sorry Obamas) have come in two decades…

listicle

Citibank Government Takeover! Sort of! What?

February 27, 2009

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Citibank just banked more gov’t fundage. Uncle Sam now has a whopping 36% stake in the flailing financial institution. 

Is this a sign that we’re on our way to nationalized banks? What the F does that even mean?

Below, the basics:

1. Nationalization = government run banks. Some say yay: banks gone wild got us into this economic mess. Others (cough, GOP) say nay: this is a first step towards communism.

2. It’s not unheard of. The gov’t already foots the bill for the Postal Service, Amtrak and the Transportation Security Administration. 

3. George W. Bush started it. The September takeover of mega-mortgage behomoths Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae was technically nationalizing them. So like, who’s a Commie now?

4. Nationalization doesn’t have to be foreva. In 1992, Sweden nationalized their busted banks, got everything in order, then resold the banks to private buyers—all within a few years.

WordUp

Stress Tests = The computer-run evaluations of 20 major banks that Obama and his crew are doing this week

By the Numbers

20 = the number of banks being “stress tested” this week

Shoot, Shag or Marry: The Jonas Brothers (Their 3-D Movie Opens Tonight!)

February 27, 2009

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Squealsies!

Every hot-blooded girl and cougar divorcee will be running to see Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience which opens tonight. The movie pairs footage from the tween idols’ last tour with behind-the-scenes B-roll. [Flesh alert! They’re supposedly shirtless backstage!]

Yes, we totally want them all in a creepy, inappropriate, pedophile kind of way, but if we had to choose who we’d Shoot, Shag, or Marry, we’d:

Shoot: Joe Jonasjoe-jonas3 

The 19-year-old middle bro may be nice, but he’s also the least talented and spends way too long styling his hair. Joe sings like younger sib Nick, but doesn’t play an instrument. Lame! Plus his ex, country starlet Taylor Swift, claims he broke up with her in a 27-second phone call. Not cool.

kevin-jonasShag: Kevin Jonas

The bros wear purity rings and have vowed to stay virgins until marriage. (Our money is on not so much.) Still, the 21-year-old is hot. People magazine named him one of the Sexiest Men of 2008—check out  his video response on People.com. Maybe it’s his soulful eyes, or the fact that he plays guitar (yum!). Or maybe we just like that he’s the only one old enough to got to a bar.  

Marry: Nick Jonasnick-jonas1

Nick may only be 16, but he’s clearly the leader of the pack and the one with the most musical chops. He’s been in Broadway plays like The Sound of Music, writes hit songs like JB jam “S.O.S,” released a solo album, and dated Miley Cyrus for two years. Nick’s also dealt with Type I diabetes since he was 13, which makes us want to take care of him. Plus we think he’s the only one with the potential to have a career post 25.

Scientists Sniff Out the Happiness Gene

February 27, 2009

happy-peopleScientists at the University of Essex have discovered why some peeps are total Debbie Downers while others are all, “The glass is half full! Woo!” They’ve pinpointed a gene called 5-HTTLPR (um, let’s forget that looks like “HITLER”) that effects your serotonin levels. If you have the short version of it, you’re way more likely to be depressed and listen to The Cure.  If you have the long version, you tend towards kittens and rainbows.

Now, can they just make some drug to stretch that sucker out?

WordUp

5-HTTLPR = a gene scientists have recently linked to happiness

OctoMom Nadya Suleman Offered a Porn Deal

February 25, 2009

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Nadya Suleman, aka the OctoMom, may soon be flaunting her stretch marks and premie pouch in an X-rated flick. Porn powerhouse Vivid Entertainment has offered the baby-making machine a sweet deal. So how badly do they want the Angelina Jolie look-alike to show some skin? 

Peep here to see the actual letter Vivid sent Nadya. If she signs on the dotted line, she’ll get:

  • $1 million smackers. In other words, she won’t have to worry about the whole foreclosure situation she’s in.
  • A year of health insurance—for herself and her 14 children. That’s a serious deal, considering the octuplets have been in the hospital for more than a month.
  • A year of dental insurance. So none of the clan have snaggle teeth. 
  • She gets to choose her own partner. Can we recommend Brian Pumper? Because we dig his…um…name.
  • She’ll have the option of becoming a regular Vivid contract girl.

All we can say is—if Nadya goes for it, we just hope they call her first film Octopussy.

 

Warren Beatty Asks Lindsay Lohan To Move In. Um, Creepsville?

February 25, 2009

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Warren Beatty is directing/starring in a new movie, and he wants Lindsay Lohan to play his daughter. He’s offered her the role BUT she has to agree to live with him while they shoot. So why, o why, does a 71-year-old man want Lindsay to shack up with him? 

Here are our theories:

  • Lindsay is infamous for acting up on set, plus rumors have been swirling that her recent weight loss is due to nose candy. Maybe Warren wants to keep tabs on her so she cleans up and doesn’t F up his film?
  • Perhaps Beatty is hoping to score a 3sum with Lindsay and her ladypal, Samantha Ronson. Beatty is a notorious womanizer
  • Maybe this is all an exercise in Method acting? Like, they’ll actually play being father/daughter 24/7? “Lindz! Stop rubbing your nose at the table!”
  • Beatty is married to Annette Bening but she’s around 50, a little old to squeeze out more kids. Perhaps four isn’t enough for this dad. Lindsay makes 5?

First Dog Due in April: Portuguese Water Dog Named Moose?

February 25, 2009

portuguese_water_dogIt’s a White House role as hard to cast as Commerce Secretary, but the Obamas have finally picked a presidential pup breed. Make way for the Portuguese Water Dog, preferably rescued, so if you know any in trouble, or just with jerk owners, speak up, mkay?

Michelle told People  the First Name of the First Dog is still up in the air. “Oh, the names are really bad” she says. “Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another. I said, ‘No, come on, let’s work with the names a little bit.'”

We like “Moose” because it kind of sounds like a jab at Sarah Palin. But ha. They could just get a pitbull. And put it in a skirt. Or a pig. And put lipstick on it.

Obama’s Speech on the Economy: Cue “The Sun Will Come Out, Tomorrow.”

February 25, 2009

Last night, President Obama stepped up before Congress with his take on how to nip this lame economy situation in the bud.

In case you missed it, we made a condensed version:

[NOTE to LA/JAW: we didn’t buy this AP photo, but we know we have the AP account for when we go live.]

Obama Speech

 

Head here to check out the full speech.

The New York Times is loving on what Obama had to say. 

The Washington Post jabbed him for taking on way too many things (health care, energy, education, the deficit, the cure for cancer).