Author Archive

Michael Jackson Returns: A Tour, Auction and Broadway Show.

March 5, 2009

You know that emptiness that’s been gnawing at you for years now? That kind of cold  place where your childhood went to die? No, not the Neverland Ranch, but close. We’re talking the death of Michael Jackson’s career.

Well, get psyched because Jacko’s back-o!

  • News broke today that MJ will have 10 shows at London’s O2 Arena in July. He hasn’t released a studio album or played a full concert since 2001. His last World Tour ended in 1997. Still, Jackson is apparently healthy and submitted to a physical despite speculations that he’s too weak to perform. (What’s really weak is that he hasn’t made a decent song in ages.)
  • Yesterday, the King of Pop sued an auction house in Ireland, where over 2,000 items from his Neverland estate were to be auctioned in April. He says he hasn’t approved every item on the inventory and some are “priceless and irreplaceable.” I bet some children want the irreplaceable things they lost in Never-neverland back too!
  • A Thriller Broadway Musical? Thriller was the best-selling album of all time, but seeing how many pop-music-hit-turned-musicals have flopped in the past decade (re: Elvis, Beach Boys, Lennon, Dylan, and Cash), perhaps it’s better to let sleeping zombies lie?

Questionable 911 Calls: McNuggets? Traffic? Lemonade?

March 5, 2009

The word emergency is certainly open to interpretation. Maybe a stab wound is causing your insides to leak out, or a drunk neighbor ran over your mailbox and dog.

Or maybe, if you are citizen with a slightly skewed sense of urgency, any inconvenience is cause for alarm. In which case, you should read these 9-1-1 caller tips, chill out, and figure out how to communicate with fast food employees rationally.

Here are some crazy 911 calls from this week:

  • Florida’s Latreasa Goodman called 911 three times when her local McDonald’s ran out of Chicken McNuggets and the employee offered a McDouble in place of a refund. I guess when you need the nugs a hamburger isn’t going to do it.
  • A Duluth man called 911 while fleeing from the police after stealing a car and gas. He told the dispatcher the cops weren’t going to catch him, that he’s a decent guy who wants to go to college but doesn’t have a support system, and that what he’s really seeking is normalcy. Normal must be one of those other words that’s difficult to define?

And in the vaults:

  • In February, a Florida Burger King customer called 911 when BK ran out of lemonade. (What’s with Florida and fast food rage?) Police came to the scene, not to enforce lemonation but instead to arrest the customer for misusing the 911 system. You know what they say, when life gives you lemons…tada!
  • In October, Joe McCain (John’s bro) allegedly called 911 to complain about traffic. After this call, he called back to complain about the message left on his answering machine, warning him that such use of 911 is criminal. Maveridiculous.



emergency= an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action, an urgent need for assistance or relief

By the Numbers:

500= Amount you’ll have to pay for each emergency response in a 12-month period if you’ve been charged with misuse of the 911 system three or more times in a six-month period.

Mindnumbing Celebrity Headlines. Yes. They’re Real.

March 5, 2009

Admittedly, we pee ourselves with glee when celebs cheat on each other or fall face first into puke pools. But when they drink coffee or take out the trash? Um. Yeah. No.

Still, the celebusphere has become an alien altworld in which mundane things are press-stopping must-reads.

Here are some of this week’s “Hot” Headlines that leave us cold: 

“Hot” Headline: “Zac Loves Balls: Is Zac Efron suffering from a serious case of the bad hair blues?”

Apparently, Zac Efron wore a hat. Twice this week, even. I’m going on a hunger strike. Free the Follicles! “News”/Photo Credit: Perez Hilton


“Hot” Headline: “Natalie Portman Smooches Her Pooch”

Ooooh, panic at LAX! Someone call Animal Services on Natal-beastialit-ie! 

“News”/Photo Credit: Just Jared

“Hot” Headline: “A Kiss for Matilda Ledger”

A mother kissing her child at LAX! That’s freakier than an owner kissing her pet! (Btw, what’s with all the lip service at the Los Angeles Airport? Should we be trolling there for love?)

“News”/Photo Credit: Celebrity Baby Blog

“Hot” Headline: “Ed Westwick Had Some Lunch!”

Omigod, that’s so weird because I had lunch yesterday tooooo! “News”/Photo Credit: Celebrity Puke

Dork Dunks Cat In Bong. Pet High Jinks=Lame.

March 4, 2009

This creepy Nebraska man was charged with animal cruelty after putting his girlfriend’s cat in a makeshift bong to “calm” it down. Three times. Has he been rolling fatties with Sandra Herold, who put Xanax in attack-chimp Travis’ tea right before he ripped a woman’s face off?

Acea Schomaker was jailed and charged a $400 fine for his release. Drug charges  and a possible felony loom. Animal rights activists are outraged and we’re like, WTF. Sticking tiny 6-month kittehs in like, Death Bong 3000? It’s totally stoobs. Potheads may argue that sharing is love and it’s the thought that counts. But like, since when are stoner thoughts legit?


Photo Credit: The Sydney Morning Herald

By the Numbers:

$400= Amount that was paid to release Schomaker from Lancaster County Jail

Tom Selleck Inspires Cake. So Do Other Tasty Celebs.

March 3, 2009

thehorrorEven Magnum P.I, couldn’t have figured this one out. Tom Selleck is suddenly relevant again. Not just relevant, but hot!

His CBS movie “Thin Ice” — starring him as small-town police chief/big-time hunk Jesse Stone — topped the ratings on Sunday with a Magnum 15.13 million viewers.

In celebration, we baked Tom a cake. Not really though. We just found a cake on the internets while searching for sexy Tom pics. And we were sad that all men can’t grow choco-sprinkle chest hair. And then we found lots of people bake lots of celebrity cakes. Which is weirdo. And then we searched for those. Photo Credit:

Here’s a slice of our faves:

jonbonjovi2Jon Bon Jovi Cake: More men should wear vests…without shirts. They should work on that chocolate chest hair too. Photo Credit:

Bald Britney Spears Cake: It was the best of times, it was the…what’s the other half? (Don’t we miss crazy Britney?) Photo Credit:

Dolly Parton Cake: Most realistic portrayal of botched plastic surgery face in frosting. Photo Credit:

Grease Cake: Because encouraging early tabacco use is important to a child’s development…of cancer.  Photo Credit:

Pee Wee Herman Wedding Cake: This is creepy because the bride and groom are both Pee Wee and because someone stole my idea. Photo Credit:

Oprah Cake: Holy. Why does this remind us of John the Baptist? Photo Credit:

Ozzy Osbourne Cake: Let’s bite his head off! Photo Credit:

Obama Cake: Obama’s the hotcakes. Look at those soulful frosting eyes! Photo Credit:

anonhannahmontanacakeHannah Montana: The scariest teeth on a kids’ cake.  Photo Credit:

Jonas Brothers Cake: Because they are sugar-coated in real life. And delicious. Photo Credit:

Woman With Two Wombs Has Twins. How Does That Happen?

March 3, 2009

Talk about lady parts biodramarama! Last week, 21-year-old Sarah Reinfelder gave birth to twin girls from two separate wombs.

Reinfelder discovered that she had a Müllerian abnormality when she miscarried in 2007 (i.e. it was anatomical crazy town up in that piece). Were there two separate baby bumps? Are the twins bitter rivals, fighting for the bigger womb and better nutrients? Will the four pound preemies have to compete with OctoMom for media attention?

Here’s what we do know…

  • They include:
  1. uterine and vaginal agenesis (the uterus or vagina fail to develop or grow: 1/5,000 female babies)
  2. duplication of the uterus and vagina (two vags! ack! I can’t even control one!)
  3. minor cavity abnormalities.


WordUp: Müllerian Abnormalities= an abnormal shape or development of the uterus

In the Numbers: 0.1-0.5= percent of women with Müllerian duct anomalies

Photo Credit: ABC News

Still Life: Office Casual

January 29, 2009


Everyone’s making a big fuss about Obama losing the jacket in the Oval Office. What if other world leaders took Obama’s cue and dressed down? Here’s how we imagine India’s Pratibha Patil, North Korea’s Kim Jong-il, Venezuela’s Hugo Chávez, Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe, and France’s former president Jacques Chirac in their office casual outfits!

White House unbuttons formal dress code: Photos of jacketless Obama at White House may signal subtle culture shift

Eat Me: Foods to Die For

January 28, 2009

Cute little guy, isn’t he? That Blowfish up there?

Well, Blowfish poisoning sent seven people to the hospital in Japan this week. Erm, not so cute. A drop of poison, called tetrodotoxin, from this delicacy can paralyze and kill a person. Blowfish poison is found in the roe, ovaries and the liver of the fish. It takes years to train in cutting the Fugu, as it is called in Japan. Just ask this guy. A slip of the knife and it’s your last meal…

But blowfish aren’t the only fatal foods. Here are some of the deadliest:

  • Live Octopus or San Nak Ji (in Korean): Live octopus is super popular in Korea and Japan. Though not “poisonous” per se, their little suctiony arms can stick to throats and choke victims, causing an average of six deaths a year in South Korea. The live baby octopus is cut up into bite-size pieces and immediately served, usually with sesame oil. The tentacles squirm until you chew them to death. Sounds pretty metal, right?
  • Fruit Seeds: Apple seeds. Cherry stones. The kernels in apricot, nectarine, peach and plums pits. All contain cyanide. If consumed in large quantities, it deprives cells of oxygen and eventually shuts down the heart and brain, causing respiratory failure and death. Children can kick it from eating just 15 apricot kernels at a time. Though, this shouldn’t be an issue, cuz who’s eating these things?
  • Cassava: If not properly washed or cooked, the leaves and roots of cassava contain cyanide. But pound the roots and leaves into flour, soak and dry it, and the cyanide gas escapes.  500 million people rely on cassava for their calorie intake and it is used to make tapioca and protein-rich cakes. Recent news suggests cassava might be making its healthy snack introduction stateside. Because our snack food isn’t already trying to kill us.
  • Mushrooms: Death Cap mushrooms, often confused for the Paddy Straw, contain over seven toxins and one bite can kill you. Other killer not-so-fun-gis are the Gyomitra (often confused for Morrel) and the aptly named Destroying Angels, and Deadly Webcap.  Most mushroom poisoning causes nausea, diarrhea, hallucination or kidney failure.
  • Ackee Fruit: Originally from West Africa, Ackee fruit is  used in Jamaican cuisine like the national delicacy, “ackee and saltfish.” The fruit is poisonous if it is both immature or overripe. The only edible part is the flesh around the seeds, the rest has a toxin called hypoglycin which can be fatal.


By the Numbers:

500: million people rely on cassava as a food staple

News Haiku: Superbowl’s Banned Ads

January 28, 2009

Cheat. Make love to veg.
Superbowl ads nix the sex.
Football? Touch down there.

Banned! These ads are too racy for the Super Bowl

Testes Delight: Have a Ball with these Recipes

January 28, 2009

As you’ve probably heard, seven people were poisoned in Japan eating blowfish this week. What part of the blowfish, you might ask? The testicles.

In some cultures, like China and Serbia, it’s believed that eating testicles increases sexual vigor due to the high levels of testosterone they hold. King Louis XV and his lover Madame de Pompidour ate ram’s jewels in the Palace of Versailles before le sex. In modern times, it’s believed that castrating beef cattle helps fatten and tenderize their beef. Why waste some good gonads if you’ve already chopped them off?

But maybe, those boy parts are just straight up delicious, since folks have been chomping down on fish, ostrich, lamb, turkey, pig, ram, dog, and sheep testicles like, forevs.

Here are some of the ballsiest testicle recipes:

  • Hillbilly Recipe’s Butterflied Turkey Nuts Apparently turkey “nuts” are found on the inside, near the turkey’s liver. But how do you know if you’ve got a dud turkey? And how big could they possibly be? And why am I curious when I have no intention of searching for turkey nuts?

Fun Fact: Montana’s Rock Creek Lodge throws the world’s largest Testy Festy, which attracts over 15,000 people . Over the five day event, over 2 1/2 tons of bull testicles are consumed.


Rocky Mountain Oysters or Mountain/Prairie Oysters= the testicles of an animal such as a calf, sheep or boar. Those from a younger animal are best. Though they’re not terribly popular in the United States, testicles are considered a delicacy in Italy and France. They can be sautéed, deep-fried, braised and poached.

In the Numbers:

2.5= tons of bull testicles served at the Testicle Festival in Montana