Virginity! Get your red, hot virginity!

by

Men are like me when I drink Shirley Temples, they love to pop that cherry. Unlike me when I drink Pina Coladas, they’re willing to shell out big bucks for a virgin.

Thus, 22-year-old Natalie Dylan from San Diego, has been auctioning off her virginity since September. The price right now is $3.8 million and will be used to pay for graduate school (where she will major in prostitution?). Dylan’s sister works at Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada where prostitution is legal. This will be the site of Nat’s hymenal destruction. Ah, a family business.

God, if I’d known I could have made a living off my virginity, I wouldn’t have blown it for a flask of peach Schnapps and a NOFX CD.

If you’ve spent your V card and want it back, here are 4 fun ways to restore your hymen and start selling yourself on Ebay:

  • Artificial Intelligence: For about $15 you can buy a “Artificial Virginity Hymen” from China. The device expands and tightens the vag and when your mans penetrates, it oozes fake blood. I guess the “Artificial Virginity Penis” would cause premature ejaculation?
  • Nip & Tuck: Hymen surgery is increasing in popularity globally. For about $1,800, doctors can replace your original hymen by lasering the ends and sewing it back together. For up to 12 weeks the hymen needs to heal, so no sex or vigorous exercise. 12 weeks without sex? Lasers in the VV? Who are these masochists?
  • Born Again: According to the Pregnancy Resource Center of Northeast Ohio, “You can decide today to commit to abstinence, wrapping a brand-new gift of virginity to present to your husband or wife on your wedding night.” MSNBC wrote about a single mother who decided to become born-again and remain abstinent for a future husband. Hello?! You have two kids! You’re not a virgin!
  • Tears for Fears: Guys aren’t going to look for your hymen, so my advice is act like it hurts, do your kegel exercises, cry a little (not that guys ever notice if you’re crying), and say something gross like, “This is how I always imagined my first time.” Wait till your period to pull this one and you’re golden. Potentially literally if you’re scamming idiots out of their money.

******

WordUp:

poophole loophole= the belief that anal sex does not effect one’s virginity

By the Numbers:

3.8 million= amount offered for Natalie Dylan’s virginity

1,800= cost of surgically repairing your hymen

15: number of dollars for a fake bleeding hymen insert

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