Obama’s Sweet New Ride


gm-limo-inside-smallWith each new president comes a sweet custom-built Cadillac.

Obama’s new limo is officially codenamed “Stagecoach” but also goes by “The Beast,” “Cadillac One,” “Obama-mobile.”

We’re kind of interested in getting in the backseat, but until we do, tide yourself over with some fast facts on Obama’s ride.

The “Beast” boasts:

Military-grade armor: fends off machine gun fire and even, possibly, meteors.

The President’s blood: kept on board in a vial in case he needs an immediate transfusion.

An air-tight, sealed interior: protects people inside from chemical attacks.

Night vision cameras: located near the headlights, these can record possible attacks

Pump-action shot guns: also located near the headlights, these can kill possible attacks

Armor-plated gas tank: that, combined with intense foam lining, prevents explosion even if the car suffers a direct hit.

–  An elaborate seating area: a fold-away desktop, laptop (with WiFi), satellite phone, a direct line to the Pentagon (my ’82 Volvo also came with this), and a panic button.

Super Buff Tires: reportedly, they can’t get a flat. If for some freak reason they do, it makes no difference, the car keeps rolling.

– Oxygen supply and firefighting system in the boot of the car.

8 miles/gallon: not quite the green dream the Administration’s been pushing, but ah well. Machine guns are heavy.


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