Dollars/Sense: More Banging for Your Buck

by

Stocks are expected to rally this week based on delusional soaring optimism that Barack Obama is going to save the world. This is good news not only for America but also for your sex life. No, really—

  • Historically, the first 100 days after the inauguration of a Democratic president sees an average 2.2% gain for the S&P 500. Of course, seeing that the index lost 38% last year, its worst since the 1930s, this might be less of a turn-on than in years past.
  • Still, making money makes men better in bed. According to a new study in the field of evolutionary psychology, the richer your man, the more orgasms you’re going to have. It’s science, ladies! You’re free to let your gold-digging self hang out—your new sugardaddy will not only shower you with lots of bling but also lots of booty.
  • Just make sure the man you land is actually rich, not a big, dumb, suicide-faking liar. Remember this guy, the money manager-slash-pilot who staged his own death in order to avoid prosecution for fraud? Marcus Schrenker survived the fakey-fake plane crash and is now living large in a Florida jail. Definitely NOT hot. Good thing his wife was already planning to divorce him.

Recap: For crazy spasms n ‘gasms, get your sex now, while the market is climbing. The expected Wall St. Obama-bounce will have “an emotional effect on the stock market for a few days or weeks,” according to Dawson Wealth Management. And in years past, “the happiness wore off and people returned to the reality that we are still in this crisis and we don’t know when it’s going to end.”

Kind of sounds like my last relationship. I’m just saying.

*****

Word Up: evolutionary psychology -a field of research which uses Darwinian concepts of adaptation to explain mental and physical behaviors as survival tactics

Number: 2.2 – the percentage point that the S&P 500 is expected to go up in the 100 days after Barack Obama’s inauguration

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