Trendsday: Young Love

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03

Thank heaven for little girls! Without them, where would the sexually deviant REALLY unattractive men find wives? Hide your daughters people, here are this week’s top pedophile stories!

  • Daddy Dearest: California man has been arrested for swapping a marriage to his 14-year-old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer, and several cases of meat. He was found out when he asked for the police’s help retrieving her when he didn’t get said payment. The undocumented immigrant is from the Mexican Trique tribe where underage marriage is common. I’d like to think that I’d be worth at least 200 cases of beer, but 25, I guess I’m like a granny in Trique years.
  • Child Brides: Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric, Sheik Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, says it’s permissible for 10-year-old girls to marry. This follows a ruling last month in central Saudi Arabia when a mother tried to retrieve her 8-year-old daughter who’s father married her off to a 50-something dude, this apparently saves girls from any “illicit” behavior.  Ah yes, protecting your children from filthy teenage sex-perimentation by forcing them to do it with old hairy dudes when they’re 8-years-old. Good thinking guys!
  • Aged Consent: A bill has been brought to the Senate Judiciary Committee that would change the age of consent from fourteen to sixteen (if the partner isn’t more than three years older) in cases of statutory rape in Montana. The law currently says no person under the age of sixteen can consent to sex. That’s cool, it’s not like comprehensive sex education was banned from schools in favor of Abstinence “education” during the Bush administration and kids think the only way to remain virgins is to have anal sex, right?
  • Sex Cells: 23-year-old Nate Rinken from Sioux Falls, was sentenced to three months in prison yesterday for raping a 15-year-old girl he met on MySpace. Rinken told police that the girl led him to think she was 18.  Newsflash: even though the country is in economic turmoil, rape is totally still illegal regardless of age. Also, everyone lies on MySpace.
  • Creepy Sects Acts: The first trial in Polygamist group Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has been scheduled for October 26th, 2009, following the exhilarating raid on their West Texas ranch on April 3rd. You might remember the scads of children and women with long dresses and awesome bouffant/french braid hair? Raymond Merrill Jessop has been indicted on one count of sexual assault of a child and one count of bigamy for the 37-year-old’s alleged marriage to the 15-year-old daughter of the sect’s jailed leader Warren Jeffs. Wasn’t this on an episode of Big Love? I love Christians, they put the “fun” in fundamentalist!
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