Shoot, Shag or Marry: Confirmation Hearing Victims


Tomorrow begins the last round of confirmation hearings for the new Obama administration. (Ahem, except for one notable exception.) Have you made up your mind as to whom you’re rooting for and who you wanna see fall flat? We have:


As secretary of the interior, Salazar would be in charge of the National Park Service, the Bureau of Land Management, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service, the United States Geological Survey, etc. This is not promising for a man who voted against: increasing fuel-efficiency standards, repealing tax breaks to Exxon, and requiring the United States Army Corps of Engineers to consider global warming when planning water projects. On the bright side (?) the League of Conservative Voters LOVES him.


We’ve always wanted to sleep with someone who was the first ____, and if Eric is confirmed he’ll be the first African American Attorney General of the U.S. (Side note: Plural of that title is Attorneys General not Attorney Generals. Weird, right?) Born and educated in NYC, Holder helped prosecute some serious scammers including John Jenrette of ABSCAM fame and Rep. Dan Rostenkowski, who was convicted of laundering Post Office money through stamps and postal vouchers.  He then went on to serve as Deputy Attorney General under Janet Reno and become BFF with Obama. Our logic is sound; if they’re BFF, that makes us one step closer to a hot 3-way game of “Presidential intern.”


Besides being smokin’, this chick is Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford, plays basketball like a machine and is not related to the other not-quite-as-nice Rice. What has she done since then? Kind of everything: She was the assistant secretary of state under Albright, was a bigwig at McKinsey and Brookings, and is now poised to become ambassador to the UN. The only hiccup: She’s already married. Whatever. I’ll be a homewrecker.

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